This week has been one of the roughest and emotional weeks I've ever had to deal with....
I started my first day of my first year on the Art Academy on Tuesday. (I follow a 4-year plan) I was nervous and scared of how things would go;
would people be better than me and make me look like a complete fool for going there? Maybe.
Does this discourage me to follow my dreams? Fuck no, that's stupid.
I saw 3 people that I knew from my former school and I chatted mostly with the two girls that I knew better. Sadly I was placed in a differed class than them, but that was OK. That way I wouldn't cling to people that I knew and would make friends on my own.
This was the problem that I didn't think about.Not to discourage people on wanting to go to an Art Academy! Really it has NOTHING TO DO WITH THE SCHOOL. But more with my own insecurities...
I have had a bad experience with making friends for 12 years. Up until 4 years ago I never really had a friend that I would still consider a friend once I graduated from that school. What was normal to me was that the friends that I made would stop talking to me after a few weeks or even a month after the last day of school. Or they would've already ditched me months or even YEARS before graduating from school. By the end of the year I'd be back to square one: No friends and sitting alone during breaks; even eating fast just to get a move on and go to the classroom and be alone there.
This time it was all different; I met a wonderful being of pure energy
that is still one of my dearest friends today. The connection between me and her is so different from what I was used to; it is secure and strong. I thought about not being able to see her every day; but seeing as I have experience with talking to a friend you don't see every day; week; month; (I am talking about a big buff cinnamon bun
, with whom I have such a connection as well, that would easily crush your bones in their bear hugs) I wasn't concerned about it. I thought about it many times during the summer vacation and I felt confident that It would go great and smoothly.
I was dead wrong.
When I sat in that classroom; reality kicked in. I wouldn't find anybody to have such a bond with as I had with my other friends, let alone be able to make friends; because I had no clue HOW. Most people that I befriended used, abused and left me. I got a knot in my tongue and felt like crying. I didn't know what to do. I sat it out for the first day, only to come home and cry once everybody was away.
The second day didn't go swell either... There were times I didn't think about it, but once nobody was talking to me, the knot returned and the tears tried to push out. Again, I held a firm grip on my emotions, only to let them burst once I got home.
I talked with my friends about it; I even apologized about my stupid behaviour to them; They all said the same:
It takes some time getting used to your new surroundings;
Don't worry, you're a likeable girl, You'll get friends in no time!
I repeated that over and over and walked into my third day, still a little nervous and I could still feel the knot. This was the day that went very smoothly and I started to really warm up to every body.
So now my fourth day has passed and I no longer have the knot in my tongue. My class is amazing and I am finally doing just as my friend told me I would.